


to save the birds

by kagameme (orphan_account)



Category: Vocaloid
Genre: Angst, Angst and Humor, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety, Brother/Sister Incest, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Romance, F/F, F/M, Gen, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Inappropriate Humor, Incest, Mental Breakdown, Mental Disintegration, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Multi, Other, Romance, Self-Destruction, Sexual Humor, Sibling Incest, Suicidal Thoughts, Teen Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-01
Updated: 2016-04-17
Packaged: 2018-04-29 07:41:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 18,760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5120423
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/kagameme
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>with a single thought, you can undo yourself entirely, and shatter like glass.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

– _Sometimes._

Sometimes I'm afraid that I've become invisible, non-existent – so I'll scream out just to check that I'm not.

I just, 'cause, I dunno – I feel that way, sometimes. I just do.

I guess it's because my parents don't always acknowledge me – they don't. They're always too busy worrying about my sister. Always, always, _always_. But… things are just that way, okay?

I'm not angry at her, you know, for being the centre of attention. Maybe a little jealous, yeah, but never angry at _her_ – beloved little Rin. It's not her fault she's this way, this… the apple of the eye – Mum and Dad's little starshine, the world's little miracle, whatever. It's not like she _enjoys_ the undivided attention, anyway. I _know_ she doesn't enjoy it. I _know_ it.

You can see it on her face, an expression that begs for some space or freedom or silence for once, at the least. But she never talks about it. She never ad _mits_ to it, because she's too nice, and she knows that our parents only give so much of their time to her because she's just who she is, because they love her and all that stuff, because she's their daughter and she's _spe_ cial.

Yeah, yeah – I'm their son and all, who's supposedly born on the same day and the same year as her, with blood running through our veins so similar you would almost be unable to tell us apart – but I'm just not that important, because I'm not this ridiculous _spe_ cial.

I can't help but scream and cry and chuck a fit every now and then, just so they'll _look_ at me for once or something. They'll get angry, naturally, and I _know_ they'll get angry and I'll be _expect_ ing it – but that's okay, because they're paying attention to me and that's all I want. That's all I want.

Rin knows this too, this guilty expression overcoming her face like it's entirely _her_ fault I'm thrashing around on the ground like a child being denied their rights for free candy. As always, after Mum and Dad finish yelling and raving about my behaviour, how I should _stop acting like a conceited eight year old and start acting fourteen!_ , she'll always visit my bedroom to sit on the edge of my bed and watch me while I'm lying on my back, staring at the ceiling fan go round and round, holding in all the frustration.

And as always, I'll move over to welcome her, and she'll crawl over to lay beside me, tucking her knees up into her chest like she's trying to compress herself into this _tiny, tiny_ ball, and we'll just stay like that – acknowledging mute apologies, forgiveness, and unconditional, familial love.

I do love her, really, for who she is. I really do, and I want to protect her for as much as forever, but I know that I can't – because sometimes, sometimes it's just better to challenge the world on your own, and that's what Rin needs to do, that's what she's gotta do, one day.

My parents aren't awful people. I know they love us both; they just get so caught up caring for Rin they forget I exist, too, and that I need their love and attention, too, and so things just end up this way, I guess. But you can't have everything you want or need in life, because that's just the way things are, and I know should stop being so selfish and all, but I can't help it.

I really can't.

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 _「_ _to save the birds_ _」_

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The most annoying thing of all is having to explain to people that we're identical twins.

Yeah, I know what you're thinking, but… it's the truth.

Everyone's quick to assume we're fraternal – and the thing is, we're not. Heck, we even got blood tests just to check and all. I know everyone can't help it, I guess, because the thing is, it's like a one in a billion chance of happening, so people don't really know you can get boy-girl identical twins.

I suppose it's pretty miraculous, such a thing being so rare – I mean, we were on the news and all when we were kids, but the magical fairytales stop there.

It's so rare 'cause it's actually a mistake, not a miracle. For a set of identical boy-girl twins to exist, you have to have boy-boy twins at first, and one has to lose his Y chromosome. That makes him a female. So, originally, Rin and I were both boys, but she lost her Y chromosome somewhere along the way – now all she has is an X.

In the case of a girl having only one X chromosome, it's not good. It isn't very good at all. You see, Rin has Turner Syndrome – we just call it TS – which occurs when a baby is born with a single X chromosome. It supposedly affects 1 in 2000 girls – most of the time, the baby usually dies before it's even born.

That's what almost happened to Rin. She almost died, so Mum was forced into labour when we were _super_ premature with not much chance to live, and as a result, were kept both in the ICU for a month or something ridiculous like that. They almost lost her, so many times. I guess that's why they've gotta try to make the most of her. She's not as invincible as we like to think.

I mean, it's not like her TS is awful like I've seen in some pictures; she hasn't got much of the webbed neck or anything _that_ noticeable, but obviously she's infertile as heck and has to chug down a shitton hormone medication. She's a bit deaf in one ear, not that you really notice, and she's got diabetes, and she finds it impossible to concentrate or understand maths and science. Usually, I try help her with that stuff.

But it's not all bad; she's fantastic at singing and can hit some of the highest notes without faltering, and she's got an imagination for miles, so it makes up for the problems. Not to mention, of course, Rin's very polite and strong-willed and admirable; she's just that loveable kind of person. You can't hate Rin – no one can hate Rin.

Being her brother, people expect me to protect her and stuff, but I'm not really always that good at playing hero. Actually, she kind of hates it – I can tell – but she doesn't mention it, because she knows I'm only babying her because I _care,_ and Mum and Dad expect me to be her guardian angel or something absurd like that.

I guess she just puts up with it. It's just by default – I'm usually the one arranging the lunches and all, and I can tell when she's not feeling too good, and at the best of times, I can almost read her mind – there's no changing it.

At the end of the day, I know she appreciates me being all brotherly and stuff, and she knows I do it because I love her, and so on. It's just that intuition, you know; we end up knowing each other so well, we don't need to say anything for the other to be aware of what's happening. It just _is_ – it just is, and we just feel that _connection_ , like our souls are intertwined somewhat.

I like that sort of thing, the twin intuition crap, because it makes me feel closer to Rin, like we're inseparable to some degree, and if we were pulled apart we'd break right down. I just like it, dunno why. I just like having someone else out there, almost exactly like me, connected to me with an invisible, inseparable force, because we're something different. We're something different.

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Of course, all of that ended abruptly one day, because our parents are stupid and still can't figure out why they made the choice to fornicate fifteen-odd years ago under the influence of some pathetic, temporary romance. That's what I hate about adults – they're so selfish. They never think before they do – they just _do_ , and then think afterwards. Then they realise what an awful idea it all was, and they run around like headless horses, pointing fingers and ruining it for everyone else, because they have no freaking clue how they got themselves into this mess, nor how exactly they're going to get out.

So. Yeah.

They make the choice to divorce when Rin and I are fifteen – when Rin starts taking her hormone medication after arguing with Mum for almost a century over it, when I suddenly find my head hitting doorframes and my voice hitting strange highs and new lows, when we start to think things have _finally_ , _fin_ ally worked themselves out – but they haven't.

They've only just gotten worse.

The night they break the news to us, while listening to Rin cry from her bedroom down the hall and my parents stand in the kitchen awkwardly discussing their plans from then on, I call my aunt in a panic.

I'd always thought she was a coolish person – one of those health nuts that wear all that tie-dye shit and are all for looking after yourself and whatnot. I decide she's the one to call, because I really only feel like I can confide in her about the mess my parents have made, since she's pretty much the only person who listens to me – most of the time.

"Hello?"

Hearing her voice is almost too relieving, blocking out all the background noise, all the spinning thoughts.

"It's Len," I respond, skipping formalities.

"Oh," she says. "Hello Len. How are you?"

"I'm go- I'm – I'm okay."

She pauses, before questioning in an anxious voice, "Is everything alright? You don't sound too okay, hun. Is Rin alright? Nothing has happened to her, right?"

"No, no – nothing has happened to Rin. It's just – just, Mum and Dad have told us they're breaking up– and I – I, yeah." I swallow, unable to find the right words.

It's always like this. I can never put my feelings into sentences – I'm just… angry and sad and frustrated and confused and worried and a lot of things, but I just can't figure out what I feel the most, or how I'm supposed to feel, or anything. They all pile up in my mouth, ready to spill out as verbal diarrhoea.

"They told Rin and me that one of us has to stay with Mum and the other has to go with Dad. And I know Rin and Mum want to stay together, because they're females and all, and I'll probably have to live with Dad, and I'm not worried about that – I just – I just don't want this to happen. Am I being selfish? I don't _want_ this. I don't want a broken family. I don't want to live away from Rin and Mum."

"Oh, Len," she sighs. "Len, honey, you know how hard your parents have tried to stay together for you and Rin's sake. You know, right? But sometimes these things just can't happen forever. I mean, it's not like you're being for _bid_ to see Rin and your mother again – I'm sure you can have sleepovers and all – I mean I'll gladly look after you two for a week or so if your parents can't afford to take care of you both at a time."

I don't answer, because what she's saying isn't what I want to hear. I want her to fix the problem. I want it to all go away.

She continues, "Your parents love you both, you realise? Sometimes these things happen, and you can't do anything about it. Maybe it's a good thing, Len. Maybe it'll open a new chapter in your life – you might meet new people, or it'll encourage a better future – you just don't know. Maybe it'll be good for Rin, too. You need to look on the positive side of things, Len. The situation isn't going to get any better if you keep thinking like that."

All this talk about new chapters and good things and positive sides makes me wanna throw up. So I just reply, "Okay. Thanks for the advice."

Aunt Lily doesn't pick up on my bitterness. Or she ignores it.

"If you need anything else, hun, just give me a call, okay? I love hearing from you," she tells me.

I mumble something in reply and she hangs up, and I'm left with the empty beeping of the receiver, and this goddamn awfully agonising feeling in my chest, like my heart is being squeezed into two and I'm going to die.

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After that day, I try to not care anymore.

As predicted, I end up living with Dad and Rin stays with Mum, and we move into this cruddy apartment on the opposite end of the city – but it feels like another country, or possibly, another world. Dad and I start to talk more, a bit, and he keeps promising to take me fishing one day when he's not so busy with work, but we all know that's never going to happen.

From the last email I received, I think Rin is doing okay – but it was from a little over two months ago, so I don't really know. We try to keep in touch, but it's not really working. It's really not.

The worst thing about moving is that I have to go to this shiny new school because we're too far away from the other and there's just no point in wasting all that time travelling, so I can't see all my friends – better yet, I can't even see Rin.

Sometimes, I fall into a bout of anxiety, where my head's spinning and my palms are sweating and it's like a mountain of stress building up, ready to explode, churning, churning, churning, because I think I forget what her voice sounds like –

But if I turn on my iPod and listen to a recording of her music assessment from last year, everything's alright.

Maybe.

I meet this weird kid called Kaito at the new school. He likes to buy soggy tacos from the school cafeteria and put them in his lap, only to place hideous paper cut-outs of me in the mince and look down at it all surprised to say, "Oh Len, what are you doing in my taco?"

The massive jerkface really gets off on it; he pisses himself with laughter, almost literally. (I wish he actually would.)

One intriguing thing about Kaito is, is that he doesn't want to admit he has a crush on this girl who goes to the same school as us – Miku Hatsune. She's, you know, your typical Barbie girl – pretty, super smart and athletic, your overall _perfect_ person. The sickly, friendly façade she wears all the time makes her come off kind of fake. She's too, _too_ nice – trying too hard. I just don't like it. It rubs me up the wrong way.

But Kaito has a thing for Miku, it's damn obvious. He starts horsing around whenever she comes by, and when she talks to him he gets flustered and insults her a lot – as if it'd make him stand out anymore than the truckload of guys lining up for her. Miku gets all annoyed about it and barks at him constantly for being a 'useless waste of her space' – it's quite hilarious, gets me in stitches every time.

You know, I think Miku kind of likes him too, under all that stubborn irritation.

On weekends, Kaito likes to drag me to this ice-cream shop that looks like it should've stayed in the 1950s, and while he gorges himself with vanilla ice-cream, he makes cringeworthy puns and cracks jokes about us dating. I just laugh because I'm trying to be nice, not that I really think anything's funny enough to laugh about. But I like this Kaito guy, whether he's the real deal or not. He makes it easy to forget the dull feeling, sometimes.

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After about nine months since the divorce, and three months since I received any form of contact from my sister, I decide to ring Rin since it's our birthday and remind her that, "Hey, we're siblings. We should probably talk."

The conversation goes like this:

"Hello?" Rin's smooth, honey-like voice answers through the speaker. I release a breath I didn't realise I'd been holding. It's relief that I don't have to have a whole other conversation with Mum just to say something as stupid as 'Happy Birthday'. She can talk a fish to sleep, seriously.

"Hi – hi, Rin, it's me, Len," I say, and all of a sudden the relief is gone, and my hands start shaking, and I have to go sit down on the couch in the living room to calm myself, at least, because I'm afraid if I don't I might puke or pass out – possibly even both.

There are voices in the background – none that I can identify, and it makes me feel even more anxious. Who's she with? "Oh," Rin finally responds, and she's got this fake surprise tone in her voice. "Oh, Len. Hey."

It stings, maybe a lot. I don't know why she has _that_ tone, I mean she's supposed to use it when she's talking to someone she dislikes or doesn't want to talk to.

"H… happy birthday! How are you?" I continue, trying to sound all lively, not like I noticed how unenthusiastic she is to – you know, _talk_ to me – and how goddamn embarrassed and hurt I feel at the moment.

"I'm fine, uh – um, look, Len, I – I'm kind of busy at the moment, can I call you back later?" she suggests hastily, sounding somewhat apprehensive.

I imagine her standing by the kitchen counter, twirling the phone cord around her index finger and biting her bottom lip, eyes sweeping the tiles.

Like a rock hitting me square in the back, all of a sudden, I realise how much I miss her.

"Oh… okay," I reply. "Sure. I just – um. Yeah. Sure. Call me back later when you can."

"I'm really sorry," she persists, now guilty. "I'm just busy at the moment. I'm sorry."

"No – no, you don't have to keep apologising. Um, I'll hear from you later, alright?" I ask, like it's a promise, because I want her to promise, because now I suspect she's _avoid_ ing me – which could be entirely true, since it's taken her three months to reply to my last email to her. Just – why?

Did I do something wrong? Am I being a shitty brother, or something?

"Yeah," she says, almost dismissively. "Yeah. I'll call you later. Bye, sweet- _Len_."

I notice the slip-up, but the dial tone beats me to questioning her about it. I place the phone back on the holder and press my hands up against my forehead. I'm starting to shake again, and I feel like I'm slowly suffocating.

This, this is just too weird and I'm just getting too paranoid – why do I even need to care about what Rin does? It's _her_ life. Why – why do I care so much about her accidentally calling me 'sweetie' or whatever, even? I shouldn't care. I feel like I'm her mother right now, and that's a stupid feeling to have when you're actually her brother.

But as many times as I convince myself I don't care about Rin, because she's fine and all, I still can't stop trembling, so I end up calling Kaito, hoping he can take my mind of Rin like he usually does.

He answers on the second ring.

"Lenny-boo, wassup?" he coos through the speaker. I cringe at the nickname, but say nothing of it.

"Where are you?" I ask.

"I'm in a hole. Where are _you?_ " he shoots back.

Sometimes, I wish Kaito could be a more straightforward person, but he isn't, and that's the problem with things like these.

"Where the heck did you find a _hole?_ Where is it? I need to get out of – I need to get out."

"Ah, I dunno. Try the park by the school, maybe?"

Sometimes, I also wish Kaito could also read minds, so he wouldn't act like an ass in times of desperation. But I know him well enough to understand he means that he's at the park near our high school.

So I guess everything's okay. Everything's goddamn okay.

"I'll be there in five. Don't move," I order, before slamming the phone down.

I run like the world's ending from my house all the way to the park – the rush of panic and adrenalin somehow making it possible. Usually, I would probably trip and fall flat on my face within three steps.

I spot Kaito sitting in a legitimate hole dug out by the sandpit, and he's smoking like a chimney. What he's smoking – well, I don't wanna ask.

He eyes me like the plague. "Dude, you're shaking like a pair of maracas and sweating the Pacific Ocean – have you been doing LSD? Because if you have been, that is _so_ –" I cut Kaito off when I lean over and gag onto the grass. "Oh, Lenny-boo, keep it in your _stomach_. That's gross."

I wipe my mouth with the back of my fist and look over at him, just sitting in his hole and all, being a dick. Typical Kaito. "I don't care. I'm going to die."

"Whoa, whoa, calm your jets, summer boy. What drugs are you getting into _now?_ Because I will personally disown you if you're high."

"How can I be _high?_ I just ran a mile," I grouse. "I can't even inhale tobacco smoke without having an asthma attack. So, as if you can say anything?" I gesture to his cigarette, and he jerks an eyebrow at me, before standing to drop the butt onto the ground and stub it out with the worn rubber toe of his sneaker. "Do you actually care about your lungs?"

"Nope. Do you?" He chuckles to himself. He pats the patch of grass beside the hole, welcoming me over to sit beside him. But I stay put. "So, spill – why are you shaking so much, kid?"

"I don't – I just can't – _Jesus Christ_ – it's my sister," I blurt, before clamping my mouth shut, unsure of what just came over me.

For some reason, I just want to curl into a ball of shame. I feel like I just mouthed off about her or something when I haven't even said anything. I never get angry at Rin for anything. I never – I never _complain_ about her because she's Rin – and God, Len, good Lord.

Kaito plucks a blade with his index finger and thumb out of the ground, bringing it to his lips to blow on. "What about your sister? Wait – is she the one who has the Table Syndrome or something – what is it, Tutor?"

"Turner," I correct. Kaito knows I have a sister with TS – not that he really _knows_ what it is. I'm jumping up and down on the spot, trying to shake out all the anxiety, the _bad feelings_ , but, you know, it just won't work. It never works.

"I can't – I mean I just don't want to make her _sound_ bad or anything – it's just, I _can't_ –" I take a breath, "I feel like she's goddamn avoiding me or something, and I don't know if it's something I _did_ – and when I think about it, I just get all nervous and crap, and start shaking and shit and I don't know what's wrong with me, because I shouldn't get anxious over what she thinks since she's my _sister_ for God's sake, and I… just don't know."

Kaito nods slowly, before another blowing a chord through the piece of grass. I resist the urge to slap him. "Come here, Lenny-boy, let me teach you something," he says, putting on this voice that makes him sound like an old man and beckoning me to over to his side.

I sidle over and sink onto the ground beside him, tucking my knees up to my chest. He puts a hand on my shoulder.

"The thing is, girls are fucking insane and men are not made to understand what happens in their strange mindsets. So, what I do – when I usually start to get all shitted about the opposite sex – I sit down on the ground, I close my eyes and I say –"

He pauses to build the tension.

"– _Hakuna matata_."

I groan. Of course, Kaito's just being a dick, as usual. "Could your advice be _a little_ more serious?" I ask.

He pulls a face. "I can't give you anything _serious_ , Len, because these are _your_ weird-ass problems and not mine, and you obviously need to talk this shit over with that sister of yours and make up and whatever with her – whatever you _do_ with your sister, I frankly do not know nor do I care – or just go to a fucking psychiatrist, because, I dunno, you're insane?"

I close my eyes and exhale through my nose, my frustration growing like the American dollar exchange. "Right. Thank you for being such a _help_ ful friend."

"Hey – no worries, I try my best." He grins, before leaning back against the grass. "Now, are you going to stop being such an anal jerk by making me put out my cigarette around you, and stay here, or are you going to piss off and mend the amenities with that sibling of yours?"

I stand, patting down my shorts. "I'll pass the lung cancer ticket, thanks," I answer curtly. Then I remember something. "Hey Kaito, why is there a hole by the playground where kids could potentially fall in and break their necks and die?"

Kaito snorts. "I dunno. I guess I dug it out of boredom two weeks ago. I'm surprised the popo hasn't come to fill it up – then again, they're too busy handing out parking tickets, so who would give a damn if a kid fell in and died?"

Sometimes I _do_ wonder how I made friends with Kaito. I really do.

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She doesn't call back.

Rin doesn't call back. And I'm tempted to call her, again, thinking maybe she's forgotten – but _hell_ , I rang her up to wish her happy birthday and all – shouldn't she at least _remember_ that? Am I just not worthy of her precious time? What did I _do?_

Instead of doing anything useful about it, I lay on the living room floor for the rest of the afternoon of my birthday, thinking about how _incred_ ible it was, when it actually wasn't, and imagining what it could have been like in a perfect world. In a perfect family. With perfect people. But perfect doesn't goddamn exist, although Miku Hatsune is pretty close to it.

I decide that tomorrow I'm not going to get out of bed for the heck of it and skip school, because I can't be bothered with life anymore. Really. I just can't. If anyone expects me to be a productive member of society after the series of shitty events that have happened, they can think again.

Around midnight, Dad comes home from work, and strolls over to sit on the couch and touch my shoulder, thinking I'm asleep. The thing is, I can't sleep – I just can't stop thinking about how incredibly awful my birthday has been and Rin, Rin, and more Rin.

He nudges me, somewhat gentle, and when I open my eyes to look at him, he's like, "Hey kid, why are you on the carpet?"

"Because I just am," I reply.

"Oh." His face goes blank, before he shifts awkwardly and reaches into his breast pocket to produce the world's smallest birthday present. "Well, um, it's your birthday today, isn't it?" he asks, like he has no idea. In which, he probably _does_ have no idea, because he's Dad and all and he never really pays attention to _anything_.

"Yeah," I say, looking at the parcel after he places it in my palm as if it's a grenade about to go off any second.

"Um, happy birthday," he responds, looking rigid, as if showing some sort of fatherly instinct is diminishing to his pride. "I know it's not much, but… I tried."

"Thanks," I just murmur, before slowly tearing the wrapping paper off the object. It's a… It's a _paperweight_. Hell, I almost laugh, but the heavy rock in my chest stops it from happening. My dad gives the worst gifts ever. I don't even know how he qualifies as a Dad. It makes his 'World's Best Dad' mug Rin and I gave to him for Father's Day a few years ago look like the 'World's Biggest Joke'.

But you know, this paperweight could come in handy, whether for breaking into someone's house or to hold down all your flapping assignments when your window is broken due to someone breaking into yours.

I dunno. I don't need a paperweight, so I'm trying to find an excuse to use it.

Dad waits around for a few moments, uncomfortable like he usually is, before clearing his throat and standing, reaching over to pat my head. "Um, yeah, so… you had a good birthday? I'm sorry for not being here all today; I was going to take you to the cinema or something, but then someone called in sick so I had to go to work again."

"It was alright," I lie, fiddling with the paperweight. Inside is filled with a blue liquid, and floating on top is this little yellow sailing boat. I keep trying to make the blue liquid crazy so it's kind of like a tsunami swallowing the boat whole, but the liquid stuff is too thick and the boat too evasive. "It's cool. You don't need to apologise." Apologising isn't going to give him any extra hours to take me to the cinema today anyway, because the day is essentially over.

Dad closes his eyes and sighs. "I just feel bad, you know, I'm always leaving you alone in this house."

"Yeah, but you're doing it for a decent reason, and I prefer you'd be out there making money rather than spending all your time with me and making none."

I don't mean to make that sound bitter, but it kind of does, and I look at Dad just to see his response. He only adjusts his tie apprehensively and looks down at his feet.

"I'm glad you understand that, Len," he tells me, voice firm and unreadable. Then he turns to skulk off down the hallway to his room. He pauses just before his door. "Goodnight."

I say goodnight, but I don't think he hears me.


	2. Chapter 2

Because Earth rotates and all within a 24 hour period of time, days come and go like seasons.

Each day doesn't really feel like 24 hours; rather 24 years, because I'm just so tired and everything. I can't sleep. I can't stop thinking. My brain just keeps going, and going, and going, and going.

I start to wonder about my brain going, and going, and going, and going for an infinite time, even after I'm dead and decomposed. Even though that technically means I'm not actually dead because my brain is still working, I like to imagine my brain is still going, and my self is just not physically _there_ anymore.

That makes me wonder what happens after you die – whether you just poof off into nonexistence for the rest of oblivion, or you poof off to some afterlife crap where you sing shit and play harps all day, or you're forced to re-experience the torture of life all over again.

But the thing is, you just don't know, and you never will know until it happens, because you have to be dead, of course. And these thoughts, these kind of just scare me – not a whole lot, but they just seem intimidating.

I don't want to disappear into oblivion after I die, because becoming absolutely nothing is something I'm terrified of – just from being alive and human and wanting to be remembered, for God's sake.

Then I think about Rin, you know, how it would be nice to still hang out with her after I die, because I don't like the idea of being all alone in this mass amount of empty blackness and space of unconsciousness and nonexistence with no one there, and I don't like the idea of Rin being all alone in a mass amount of emptiness and infinite space of unconsciousness and nonexistence with no one there, because it just doesn't justify anything we've ever been or done or what we deserve after our lives.

I mean, what about the cancer patients? Don't they get a happy ending after their long battle and endurance of such pain and hardship and complications? Is this really how cruel the universe is? Do we just stop existing after we die, just like people stop remembering us a certain amount of time after our life? Just the thought of these things – nonexistence, unfairness, nothingness, being forgotten – they kill me inside, they do.

It's like imagining setting flock of doves free at the same time there's an atomic bomb detonating nearby, and you witness the shockwaves expand towards them, the doves being hit and turning into this nothingness – this dust, you just no longer exist, you're now nothing but _dust_ – and you, you just want to reach out and save them.

I want to save the birds; I don't want them to not exist like that.

I don't want the atom bomb to erase all their existence just like the way we die. I don't want people to die and then no longer exist, ever, afterwards, after everything they've ever been through. I don't want to imagine anything becoming nothingness, and I don't want to imagine the emptiness and blackness of all that nothingness, and I just can't imagine _not_ existing anymore, because you can't just _not_ exist, you _can't_ – it's not fair, it's not fair. And it's not fair for the doves; you gotta save them, you can't let them turn into the non-existent dust they would become, because they've done nothing at all to die that way.

But that's just how I think, and as if the universe would listen to any of it. If we all stop existing after we die – if we all just become the nothingness like the empty black, polluted sky over a city – or if we are given a second chance to experience this labyrinth again infinitely, or if we are placed in a place like heaven or whatever with fluffy clouds and cheesy, singing angels as our reward for surviving the below, we just don't have a choice over it, because it's just how the universe turns out, and that's all.

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The next few days after possibly The Worst Birthday of My Life progress with baby-like steps, dragging on beyond my comprehension – the seconds becoming minutes, the minutes becoming days, the days becoming years.

School is terrible, but that isn't anything new. I find that I'm always in this daze; my mind in another place, I can't think straight, and I don't _feel_ straight, and the tiniest, easiest things are most difficult to digest. I just feel a whole lot of the time like sitting down and crying because I'm just so damn frustrated and lost.

I don't know how else to deal with it.

I try to keep reminding myself that people have it worse and all, but the thing is, it still _matters,_ and it _hurts,_ and I can't help it if I'm swimming neck-deep in this overpowering depression and insomnia that make me feel as if I am drowning helplessly, endlessly. I just wish I could stop this helplessness and _breathe_ , _breathe_ , but I can't, because I can't find the surface – I can't find someone who can save me.

On a Wednesday afternoon sometime later, I receive an email from Rin – mind you, an almost three-month-late email – that basically says that she is super busy, and _on_ ly has time to write me an email.

 _On_ ly, she tells me, _on_ ly.

What I would have liked was a phone call, the phone call she specifically _pro_ mised to return almost a week ago the same day I had called her, which she probably _could have_ done if she chose not to waste her time writing an email explaining how she can't call me because she is busy, because then she technically wouldn't be busy because she wouldn't be writing an email and then she would have the time to call me, and I would not be convinced she is indirectly ignoring me as a result of something I'm not aware of.

The sad thing is, she doesn't even wish me a happy birthday in the email, too.

I thought Rin and I were close and all, but now I just feel as if we're miles and miles apart. It makes me just feel even more shitty and exhausted, because I _hate_ this – I just hate _everything_ that has happened, from the things my parents have done, from how my family is just so fucking stupid and scattered and unloving, from this new school, from how things would have been better if my parents hadn't divorced – because maybe, just maybe, Rin wouldn't be acting so weird, so distant, so cold.

I hate how I don't know why she's acting this way, that I can't do anything about it, because I can't figure anything out. I just want my sister to speak to me normally. I just want to forget the large gaping hole between us, that keeps on stretching on and on and on the more time passes.

Rather than being all understanding and everything, I just close the window and don't reply. If I did choose to reply, I'd probably start typing things I'd regret and start crying like the baby I am. So it's better I just leave it.

Instead, I have a shower to try to cool down, and wish that somehow, _somehow_ a miracle will happen and things will sort themselves out, and Rin would stop acting so distant.

But the voice in my head keeps reminding me miracles don't happen.

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On Friday I pick up this parcel thing from the apartment mailbox, which turns out to be a birthday present containing a knitted sweater, an iTunes voucher, a handmade card and a pair of chunky headphones, all crammed inside.

At first I don't know who it's from – maybe I don't want to know – until I check out the card, neatly decorated with music notes and all that crummy, cheesy, vomit-inducing card-making shit. Scrawled in smooth, curly writing at the bottom are the words _Love From Mum & Rin_.

My stomach just about drops through the core of the Earth because I remember that _shit, shit, I didn't bother to buy Rin a present or anything_. For a moment, I stand rigid in the hallway, holding this cheesy birthday card in my hand, rereading the bottom lines and thinking _this can't be happening, this can't, this can't, this can't_.

But it is, and I haven't bought Rin a present – let alone _thought_ of buying one – and somehow, I still have the guts to call myself a good brother.

I can't leave it till Saturday or anything, because it'll arrive too late and god forbid my brain would let me sleep tonight, so I throw on the sweater and a jacket, grab my wallet and sprint to the train station to catch the next train into the city.

Meanwhile on the train I continue to panic. I'm not even sure what exactly to buy her anymore, because I don't know whether she's still interested in any of the same things she was interested in ten or so months ago, and I'm not a girl, and I usually always asked Aunt Lily or Mum to help me buy this kind of stuff.

It takes me at least an hour, after taking the train and walking to the shopping centre, to finally find some things to buy Rin. I'm not even sure if they're decent or not; you know, I get worried because I don't want her thinking I'm some lousy brother who stops at any old store and buys the first thing he sees.

I mean, I know she doesn't really have an interest in wearing makeup, but she loves to paint her nails and wear cute bows and clothes and things like that. She hates reading, of course, since it's hard for her to concentrate – but she loves, loves, _loves_ music. But I don't even know whether she likes any of those things anymore; if she still doesn't wear makeup, or even finds an interest in singing.

That's what worries me; I just get so worried about these things and I hate it. I swear to God all this anxiety is taking years off my life.

So I buy her a pair of some cute earrings, a shirt that has a really bad music pun on it, and a bottle of nail polish a colour I think she might like – I _hope_ she likes, anyway.

But after looking at this stuff, all of it – is it really a good present? Is it meaningful? Is it _anything?_ I just – I can't be a useful brother these days, and I highly doubt Rin would jump over the _moon_ at this stuff – I mean, what's so great about _nail polish?_ I just don't know anymore. I just don't know Rin like I used to, and I just don't know what she likes anymore, and I just don't know. I just don't know and I hate this.

I buy a card and a package from post office – it has the usual girly, nauseating, glittery stuff – and inside I write some crummy happy birthday message, with the _Love From Len & Dad_ thing, just so she knows Dad is thinking of her and all, though to be honest, he probably isn't. I slide it into a bag and tape it up and rid of it as fast as possible before I get the chance to change my mind.

Despite knowing how shitty and terrible that present is, how such an awful brother I am, all that goddamn depressing stuff, I feel relief knowing I at least did _something_ – you know, at least I _am_ thinking about her.

At least she knows I care a little bit.

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On the following Monday, it's raining; the clouds hanging low in the sky and soaking up the daylight with all their miserable glory, trepidation cascading from the heavens and drowning all who runs around in the city below.

I'm soaked to the bone when I reach class, because my goddamn umbrella doesn't do shit for nothing and broke in the middle of the trip to schoo. I shiver my way through homeroom and all the way to Maths, wondering where the heck Kaito is, so I can steal his gym clothes or something, but he isn't even around.

Damn Kaito, he's only present when you _don't_ need him.

Miku comes and sits next to me in Maths, sliding me this note that asks if I want to borrow her jumper or something.

I almost scream at the question. Borrowing Miku's jumper is like – No. Nope. _No_. That's stuff that girlfriends and boyfriends do, you know? If Kaito found out, he would kick my ass so hard I'd probably hit the moon and fall into orbit around the earth.

So I slip back a polite _No thanks_ and hope she leaves it at that.

As expected, she doesn't. She persists with _Are you sure?_ And I respond with a _Yes, I'm sure, I'm fine_ and that's when the Maths teacher shoots us _the look_ , like he knows we're passing notes or whatever.

Despite this, Miku passes another note to me but I don't look at it, I don't reply; I don't need a detention this morning.

By lunch I have developed this new dislike for Miku, her persistent, overly-almost-sickly-kindness, and her many attempts to make me wear her jumper. Can't she just wear her own? It's the freaking middle of winter anyway.

Then I remember I still have the sweater Rin bought me in my bag – I crammed it in there the other day and forgot to take it out – so I wear that instead, attempting to put up with all the stares for the rest of the day due to its obnoxious, unique shade of saffron.

I try to call Kaito at the usual place he, a few others and I sit during lunch breaks – under this staircase that hardly ever gets used because it has these weird rumours to deter people like, 'This girl was murdered on it!' or 'This guy pissed on it!' or 'Such and such had sex on it!' and vice versa.

Today, there's just me, because the other kids who sit with us usually stick around for Kaito – none of them really speak to me.

Anyway, so, I ring Kaito and he picks up, and his first words are, "I cannot analyse romantic poems with you today, Lenny-boo, for I have developed a serious case of giardia from some curry I have eaten. I appreciate your concern for me, though."

I ask, "What kind of curry?"

"The kind that is spicy and you buy from takeaway stores," he responds smoothly. "How is life, while I am not feeling the horrible urge and can ask?"

"I am wearing the sweater I told you about – the one Rin and Mum bought me," I say.

Kaito laughs on the other end for about six hours, before stopping to groan about 'the fucking awful stomach pains threatening his dignity'.

" _Giardia_ ," he continues, "is like having your shit replaced gunpowder. It's Krakatoa, I tell you. And that sweater you modelled for me on Saturday? The one that makes you look like a bottle of mustard? Lovel– _Oh_ , son of a fucking beaver." I hear him inhale sharply through the phone, before wincing. "Nature calls, son. I must go." I don't even get the chance to say _Goodbye_ or _Get well soon_ , not that Kaito would really care whether I say them or not, because he immediately hangs up.

Okay, well, there goes my lunch break plans. I put my phone away and sit down on the cold concrete, digging into my dry, undercooked rice in silence, and dwell over a lot of things.

I hardly notice Miku's presence until she steps in front of me and says, "Hello? Anyone there?"

The girl's surprise appearance almost gives me heart failure. "Shit," I breathe, holding a hand over my chest as if to calm the palpitations. "Don't do that."

Miku backs up slightly. "Sorry," she says, smiling somewhat apologetically. She tucks a strand of hair behind her ear and takes a seat on the ground beside me, eyeing my pull-over like it's a disease. "Is that yours?"

"Yes," I respond, looking back at her like, _what's it to you?_

"Oh," Miku mumbles. "It's cute."

Of course, I can tell by the look on her face she probably thinks it also makes me look like a bottle of mustard, and for some reason I just get sort of angry, because it's my goddamn jumper and Rin took her time picking it out for me and all, and – well, I actually kind of like it.

I don't say anything back and just look at the weeds growing through the bricks on the ground next to me, trying to give her the hint that I don't want her around. But she doesn't seem to get it. I just want her to leave me freaking alone for a _day_ , at least.

While picking at the loose strings on the hem of her skirt, Miku asks, "So… where's Kaito?"

"He's sick," I explain, sparing the details.

"Why?"

I frown at her. "I don't know. He ate bad curry?"

She stares back. "Oh. Okay."

In a way, Miku reminds me of Rin. Not the aggressively-annoying-and-kind part, but just… she somehow does. The way she walks, the way she dresses. I don't know. They're both pretty and cute and stuff. Rin is pretty popular, even for someone with TS; she just has this amazing radiance that makes everyone _love_ her – like she sucks them into this trance to see her as their goddess or something.

I'm not saying it as a bad thing – I mean, I like Rin's personality, I like Rin's charisma. In a way sometimes I want to be like her, because I have the shittiest personality and charisma and – well, _every_ thing – and I just look up to Rin, sort of, sometimes. She's just beautiful and perfect and charming in her own way, and that's why so many people love her. That's why I love her.

"Were you shopping on Friday?" Miku then inquires, and I wonder, _how the heck does she know I went shopping on Friday?_ I must look as freaked out as I am inside my head or something, because she rushes to add, "I mean, I was visiting my dad's shop in the shopping centre in the middle of town and I think I saw you – you were buying jewellery?"

I freeze, a bit mortified she had seen me there. I don't want people to know about my life outside of school, dammit.

"Um…" I mumble, "I was buying a birthday present for my sister." My cheeks feel warm – all of a sudden, disappearing sounds like the best thing in the world.

"Oh." Miku smiles. "You have a sister? How old is she?"

"Same age as me," I reply, picking at the grass growing through the cracks in the concrete. She gives me this strange look. "I mean, we're twins. I suppose."

"Oh," she repeats. "Why don't I know her? – I mean, why doesn't she come to school?"

"Um, she doesn't go to the same school as me. She lives with my mum on the other side of town."

Miku's lips turn down. "You don't live with your mum?"

"No." I give her this weird look. "My parents are divorced."

She asked it like I was an alien or something. What? Are her parents happily and perfectly in love and positively never ever going to split, because they obviously care about their children and how much they would be affected if they really _did_ break up?

I'm really envious of people with happy families and loving parents. I really am.

She goes sort of silent after that. "Sorry," she apologises. "I didn't know."

We kind of don't talk much until the bell goes – we just walk off to our classes and say nothing else. And I'm kind of glad. I think I hate talking to Miku.

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It's all sunny skies and rainbows and shitty leprechauns when I walk home, as compared to the dreary hell-weather that morning.

It puts me in this pissy mood – I don't know why, but pleasant weather has that effect on me. I prefer the gloom and doom.

Rin, though, she seems to practically _glow_ in sunny, perfect, shitty, cliché, hot, sweaty, too-good-to-be-true weather. She _loves_ it, more than anything; she used to always rave on and _on,_ trying to persuade me to go to the beach or the park or something to 'get out and enjoy the wonderful day!'

But this weather makes me want to puke.

When I get home, I'm surprised to see Dad is sitting at the dinner table reading the newspaper.

He's always reading the newspaper. I mean, _always_. If he isn't working, he's reading the newspaper, and if he isn't reading the newspaper, he's working. I don't even know what he finds so _interest_ ing about it. It's just words and words and words and words about complete and utter bullshit writers have made up, or exaggerated, or whatever. I don't care. I don't. I don't want to know these things.

Anyway, the reason I'm surprised, is that Dad's home before I came home.

"Len," he says all cheerfully, like he hasn't seen me in a week. "How was your day at school?"

It's weird talking to Dad so casually when he used to ignore me with Rin around. I can't get used to it. It's just _uncomfortable_.

I drop my bag down onto the floor beside me and reply, "Boring."

Dad turns the newspaper page. "Boring? Why is it boring? Aren't you learning anything?"

Shrugging, I take a seat at the table. "Well, yeah. But it isn't exactly mind-blowing stuff or anything."

He raises his eyebrows. "Is that so," he murmurs. Then he looks up from the newspaper, finally, and frowns at me. "Where'd you get that sweater?"

"Um," I stall. I forgot to tell him about the present Rin and Mum sent. And I didn't tell him about the one I sent, either. "Um, it was a birthday present from Rin."

"Oh." Dad looks down at his hands and clears his throat. "Was it one you received this birthday?"

I look at him funny. "Yes?"

He rubs his neck, something I know he does when he gets nervous, because I do it too. "Your mother had called earlier today asking about the present. I told her I knew nothing about a present. Why didn't you tell me?"

I shrug. "I just… forgot," I explain. "You're never really home that much to tell, anyway."

Dad's shoulders sag, almost as if he's defeated by the point I raised. He sighs. "Alright. Alright. Well, tell me next time, Len."

"Okay."

" _Also_ ," he adds when I go to stand. I pause. "Your mother didn't call just to whisper sweet nothings in my ear. Apparently Rin has been in hospital for the last few days. She just got out today."

My stomach lurches. "In hospital?" I echo. "Is she alright? What happened? It isn't anything life threatening, right?" I don't realise how ridiculous I sound until I see Dad's expression – _amusement_.

He holds up his hands. "Len, don't fret. She's fine. There were just a few complications because she was a little bit sick with a virus, but everything's fine now." He tries to reassure me with a smile, but I still can't help worrying. "She said she got the parcel you sent, by the way. Rin told your mother to tell me to tell you that she loves the presents. She even insisted on wearing the shirt in hospital, but the nurses wouldn't let her."

"Why didn't Mum call us earlier?" I demand. "I would have gone to visit her."

Dad shrugs. "It wasn't that much of a big deal – I'm sure Rin wouldn't want you there fussing over her. She would've just wanted to rest."

"But it was just our birthday."

"Len," he says, exhaling, "just leave it. She's fine, everything's fine, you can see your sister later, okay?"

I don't like how he acts like it's totally fine that I hardly ever get to see Rin, and that when I do, it doesn't even matter that much. I don't like how he tells me I will see her _later_ when technically he can mean all the time in infinity, when she and I don't have it at all. I don't like it how people don't take my stress for my sister seriously, when they don't understand what it's like to have Rin as your sister, your sister who has TS – who could easily die from a simple complication or whatever because she's just not as lucky as all of us. I don't like it how people pretend that others will live forever, when clearly they won't.

If I could, I would stay by Rin's side for forever, because she means a heck of a lot to me. She really does.

I stand from the table and close my eyes, trying to stop myself from getting too upset. You know, it frustrates me. People don't ever bother putting themselves in other's shoes to see their point of view and experience their emotions. That's probably why this world is so fucked up and shit.

Dad watches me as I walk out, dragging my bag along the ground because I'm just too goddamn lazy to pick it up. I know he's reconsidering what he's said, but I also know he won't apologise for it.

I just wish I could be a better brother and be there for Rin. But I can't. I can't because adults are freaking selfish.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks to those who commented/left kudos on this work so far. very much appreciated!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there's a three year writing gap between chapter 1 & 2 and chapter 3, so the style will change from now on - im sorry, i tried my best to go back and make it consistent, but yeah :'D

I'm really, really not in the mood to talk to Aunt Lily when she calls asking to 'have a casual chat'. I don't really know why she has to, I mean, it's not like I have anything much to talk about. Unless something has happened to Rin again, but clearly she would tell Dad first – I'm the last person to tell that kind of thing, you know.

When I question her motives, she answers back with a cheery, "I just want to check up on how you are, Len!"

"Um…"

I glance over at Dad sitting in the living room reading the newspaper, as per usual, wondering if he has anything to do with this.

Probably.

"...I'm alright. Why?"

"We haven't talked in awhile. I mean, you haven't called me for anything. I just wanted to know what's up. You know, what's the go-go. Whatever you kids say these days."

I look down at my homework, then back over at Dad, who doesn't seem to be _visibly_ paying attention to the conversation. But I wouldn't be surprised, because I haven't really spoken to him much since the Rin incident – it's just that I don't wanna talk. All he ever talks about is politics or other annoying stuff like that, or nags me about school, which is another topic I'd prefer digging my eyes out over than having to discuss.

"I understand the phrase, 'How are you?' pretty alright, Aunt Lily," I respond.

She chuckles – loudly, at that. I flinch at her volume. "Right. Of course. How's your new school going, Len?"

Picking at the loose paper dangling from the spine of my notebook, I search for an answer that'll make the conversation move faster, if anything. "Yeah. It's good. It's great. It's some good shit –" What am I saying? "I mean, it's actually pretty shit. I hate it."

Closing my eyes, I award myself a gold star for _the worst answer you could ever give to avoid more questioning_.

"That's… not very good," Aunt Lily states the obvious. "Well, have you made any friends?"

"I suppose," I murmur, thinking about Kaito, but even now I still question the stability of our, uh, 'friendship', which can go from goof balling in Japanese History to _don't fucking breathe in my direction, you nerd_.

She remains silent for a moment, as if expecting me to say more, but I don't, so she continues, "That's nice to hear. I mean, at least you have people to hang out with. Did you and Rin do anything special for your birthday?"

The mention of _birthday_ makes me cringe; I almost don't want to respond to the question. Any statement including 'Rin' and 'birthday' makes me want to lay down and die for a few months – or years. "She's apparently _too busy_ ," I explain dryly. "Too busy to even make a single phone call."

I don't even try to hide the fact that I'm still shitty about it. Well, I _am_ still shitty about it. If anything, the more time goes on, the more I want to throw something valuable and breakable out of frustration, and watch it burn.

"Busy?" Lily echoes, dismissing my sour reply. "Well, your mother mentioned she has been working really hard on that musical she's going to be in next year…"

This is news. But honestly, Rin could be dying and no one would tell me about it – I don't even know why I'm the slightest bit surprised. "Musical?"

Aunt Lily pauses. "Yeah," she responds, sounding confused. "The club she's in at school is holding a musical next year. She's never told you about this? I thought you'd be one of the first. She's been chosen to perform as one of the main roles."

"Rin… never said anything to me," I comment. "It's not like something I could just forget about, either."

I'm acting fine, but really inside I'm not – I mean, Rin has never mentioned _anything_ about a musical, not even auditions or her club or _anything_ – and I just… Aunt Lily's right: she _would_ tell me about this, at least _something_. She's been trying for main roles since middle school, and knowing Rin, she'd probably find it impossible to keep hush about it.

So – so, why did I never hear wind of this? Does she not trust me, or think I'll judge her for the role, or something? I just – I can't help but feel really hurt, not after everything _else_ that's been going on.

I try to calm my breathing, that annoying, painful squeezing in my chest restricting my lungs and any rational thinking.

"Maybe she just forgot," Aunt Lily suggests.

How could you just – _forget_ about _that?_ "Um… yeah."

She picks up the doubt, the breathlessness, in my voice. "Are you alright?"

"Fine."

Just having something a little like a heart attack, you know, as you do.

Like she can read my mind, Aunt Lily goes on saying, "I don't think she'd do this intentionally, Len. Your mother is concerned the girl has been overdoing it, with everyday practice and little free time…"

As expected of Rin; once she's started on something, she never stops – she'll work her butt off until the skin is raw and she's in tears. But nevertheless, Lily's reasoning doesn't help the oncoming asthma-slash-anxiety attack, blaring loud air horns in my face like _get outta my way so I can wreck your life_.

"Don't worry about it," Aunt Lily continues. "Maybe you should give her a call sometime and check up on her. I'm sure the thought doesn't go unnoticed."

I roll my eyes, despite her not being there to see it. "Right. That's if she'll actually answer them. I've tried ringing her before, but I'm always stopped with the excuse, _Oh Len, I'm too busy_ …"

"...It sounds like you're taking your sister's distance to heart, Len. Don't take it to heart. Rin probably just needs sometime to work things out by herself, be her own individual for once. You two have been joined at the hip since the dawn of time, you know. She might've wanted a little change. It could be for the best – the best for both of you."

"Right."

Aunt Lily's counselling session does nothing but make the squeezing, the lack of breath, the tremors a hundred, thousand times worse than they already were.

"I know this is hard for you. I know you care about Rin a lot," she adds. "But maybe it's time to let yourself grow up a little, Len, and let yourself be your own person. You two are twins, and as much as the world likes to think twins are inseparable, people forget that they are two different souls. You can't live your life living Rin's. Rin can't live her life living yours. It doesn't mean you have to stop talking, or stop being close, it just means you have to let each other be their own person. Think about it, Len."

I almost say, _I don't wanna think about it, Aunt Lily,_ but I stop, the words stuck on the tip of my tongue. It's probably better to say nothing at all.

Once I make it clear I'm not interested in responding, she says goodnight and hangs up. But even after putting the phone back down onto the receiver, I still don't move from the kitchen. It's like my feet are planted into the ground; a heavy, heavy weight sinking onto my shoulders, so much that it's just too exhausting to move, to do anything.

I wrap my arms around myself to stop the trembling, though it doesn't work.

Does Rin hate me, or something? I can't help it but – feel that way, you know? She avoids talking to me, didn't wish me happy birthday, she didn't even mention the musical she was in – I just, have I been misreading her all along? Did she really actually despise me, despise my tendency to run after her all the time? I just – I can't believe it. I can't handle it. I can't handle the thought of the one person who I felt connected to, was actually disconnected the whole time.

It's so hard to breathe.

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Early February, I land myself some stupid part-time job since Dad's in a financial hole, and I meet these kids who go by the labels of Meiko, Luka and Gakupo.

Luka and Gakupo are kind of gross – their relationship, I mean. For example, when Luka isn't reading or yelling at me for just existing, she's all over Gakupo digging out his tonsils. Whereas, when Gakupo isn't mining for gold in Luka's mouth, he's either polishing the shelves or something around the anime figurines in the corner like the gigantic nerd he is, or trying his best to hit me with a toy sword.

It's really annoying.

Meiko, however, just sits back, assesses it all and pats my head when Luka gets pissy. She's like the mother of us three, even though she's in high school still, I think.

One day, Meiko and I are folding up boxes in the stock room while Luka and Gakupo are doing shop, probably making out on the counter and groping each other's body parts and giving the customers an eyeball of horror – as you do.

She's telling me these weird facts, because she loves to ramble on about those kinds of things, like – "Do you know you can only find lemurs in the wild in Madagascar? And that there are like, 40 different species living there?" or, "Do you know Adolf Hitler was in love with his niece? And then she committed suicide."

"He was in love with her?" I echo, stomping on a box. "That's, um – uh…"

Meiko grins. "Gross," she finishes for me. "I know a lot of other gross things, though. What's your gross fact?"

"I did a pretty big dump," I say, "this morning." Then I stomp on another box.

She screws up her face. "Ew. Okay. Thanks for the update. Don't you have anything, you know, something that makes you feel squeamish and not necessarily relating to faeces?"

"When a person urinates, a small amount of that urine enters the mouth through the saliva glands," I point out. Meiko's raises an eyebrow, still manages a look of disgust. "And the other one… ah, yeah – human's nails don't grow after people die. It's just the skin receding."

"Wow. Those are hard to beat. Where did you hear them?" she questions. "I mean, that urine one is disgusting, and I never want to pee again."

I shrug. "My sister told me about the nail one. I saw the urine one on the internet."

One day, before our parents split up, Rin was just painting her nails, before she turned around and started shooting off the fact like it was no big deal. Hell I know where she got it from. Girls always seem to know all these random facts.

Meiko looks interested, all of a sudden. "You have a sister?" she asks, leaning up against a cabinet and folding her arms over her chest. "I thought you were an only child."

I forgot I've never mentioned Rin to her.

"Oh, nah, she's my twin. Our parents split last year, so now I'm living with my dad, and she's with Mum."

"Oh," Meiko says, with that same look of sympathy people get whenever I tell them the same story. "I'm sorry. Are you two close?"

"I guess." The conversation with Aunt Lily has left me rather bitter – well more bitter than usual – so, without thinking rationally, I toss a pile of folded boxes to the side and it topples over, spilling across the ground in front of us. Meiko and I both stare at the mess at our feet for a moment. "Sorry," I say quietly.

Meiko grins and pats my back roughly. She's a bit like that – a little rough with everything, but not intentionally. "It's no worries – we'll clean it up in a second."

In a way, she reminds me of a less volatile Kaito, with manners and slightly more sanity. "Anyway, tell me more about your sister. Is she nice?"

I almost groan at the new topic of our chat, resisting the urge to change the subject. I pick up another box and flatten it, trying to hide the fact I'm annoyed. "Well… _yeah_ – she's really nice. She's popular and stuff."

Meiko nods. "So you get along pretty well?"

"I suppose."

She raises an eyebrow. "You _suppose_ – what, you're not exactly sure?"

I bite my bottom lip, tossing the box aside. "I mean, we do – or I think we do, anyway. But we haven't really kept in touch lately, because… I dunno. It kind of feels like she's avoiding me. Or, well, she hates me."

That depressed feeling in my chest slowly makes itself known again; I can't exactly explain it, what it's like or why it's there, but it's just _there_ – something I've had on and off through the past few months, seemingly getting worse. It always comes back stronger, worse, when Rin's ever mentioned.

"Uh huh," Meiko says. I stomp on another box. "Maybe she's busy. Have you ever bothered asking her about it?"

 _That's what they all say_ , I muse. Rather than giving a verbal answer, I shrug my shoulders, stomping and stomping and stomping. Meiko then kicks the box out from under my foot and I look at her questioningly. She gives me a look that says, _Well, go on_.

"I don't understand though," I mutter, squeezing my fingers. "You can't be so busy you forget your very own twin's _birthday_. She did that. And it's _her_ birthday, _too._ "

Like the invisible hand that has been squeezing and holding me down all this time releases slightly, the pressure that's built up seeps out. Tears start burning the corners of my eyes, so I look down and pretend I just got something in my eye. But even trying my best to push it away, hold it back, I start cry anyway, because it just – _hurts_. So badly. And I don't want this. And it's just so hard _not_ to – because I've had it in my chest for ages, collecting, refusing to let it out.

"I'm sorry," I blubber. "I don't usually cry but – but – yeah." I rub my eyes forcefully, hoping the tears would just stop, but they keep coming. Meiko walks over and drapes an arm over my shoulders, half-heartedly hugging me into her chest. She's slightly taller than me; up close, the height difference is more significant, almost daunting.

She sighs and squeezes my shoulder with her hand. "No, it's okay – it's okay to cry. Sometimes it's better to let it out."

So I cry for a bit and we stand there, in this silence that could possibly be labelled as awkward but not really, because I'm too busy sobbing to make conversation.

Eventually I finish my stupid crying session, so I wipe my eyes, pulling away to murmur, "Thanks."

Meiko rubs me on the back gently and smiles. "Len, maybe you should really try talking to your sister. Even if it takes you calling her day and night like there's no tomorrow, just keep trying. She's gotta listen to you someday. This is kind of something you need to discuss with her and – really, I'm sure she isn't avoiding you or anything, or purposely forgot about your birthday. You sound like a great brother."

I look down at my shoes like they're the most interesting thing – grey slip-ons, one has a stain on the top from the time I dropped breakfast on it. It was a few days before Mum and Dad told us about wanting a divorce, when Rin was rushing me to go shopping with her or whatever and I had to eat discreetly from a bag during the train ride to town.

Everything was _normal_ , then. Everything wasn't like – like _this_ – destroyed, desolate, depressing. I remember being crammed in the train carriage with Rin beside me; I knew how much she despised hot, crowded places. I remember her fingers curling around mine slightly, and squeezing them gently as we rode into town, her body pressed against mine, her head barely reaching my shoulder.

There was a certain part of me wishing the train ride would never end – that Rin would continue holding my hand, stay at that close proximity, because I just felt so close to Rin. Not just physically – but _mentally._ I kind of felt like we just had this connection that no one else could understand. And I didn't want her to be taken away from me. But she was. And the connection that I thought we had was just my silly imagination.

"Len?" Meiko calls, nudging me with her elbow. "You okay?"

I come to, realising I had been staring at the floor too long, absorbed in my thoughts.

"Yeah. Fine," I answer, and she looks at me like she knows I'm not, but doesn't want to say anything about it. _Fine_ , I tell myself. _You're fine_. I try to smile, but it feels so hollow, so I let it fall after when she moves her gaze away.

…Hollow.

That's the word. That's how I feel – hollow.

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"You've been pretty agitated lately, Len," Miku points out one afternoon, before Maths class is about to start.

I wish she'd just go away for once. Every class she's gotta sit next to me for some reason, and it's just like, _ew, no, go sit with your friends_.

"Have I?" I pretend not to know where she's getting at. I do know, though. "I'm not. I don't know why you'd think that, Miku."

She looks dubious. "Really? Even Kaito made a comment about how you're like a hot pot, boiling silently, building up steam like you're going to explode – I mean, you know what Kaito is like, and for him to make that kind of observation – _well_." She gives me a knowing look from underneath her dark eyelashes. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah I'm sure," I grouse, looking over at the door of the classroom and wishing the teacher would get here faster so she'd stop talking.

Miku leans into my view, though. "You know, you could talk to people about it, rather than letting it stew until it catches fire."

I clench my fists. Not that I want to punch her – but yeah, I also want to punch her, if that means silencing her. I close my eyes and inhale. "Can you stop making food puns?"

"Don't change the subject, Len," her voice replies sharply.

Exhaling, I open my eyes to glare at her. "Maybe you should just lay off?" I suggest. "My problem's are no one's business, and I don't want to talk about it."

Miku tucks a strand of hair behind her ear, either completely oblivious to how pissed I'm getting, or choosing to ignore it. Either way, they're typical things of her to do. "Is it about your sister?"

She has a thing where she believes my bad moods are usually due to Rin. Which is, as often as it seems, not so much always the case – and it's really annoying, because even if it is, she knows I never want to talk about it. Nevertheless, she keeps pushing, and pushing, and _pushing_.

"Miku," I address bluntly. "Fuck off. It's none of your business."

Her mouth opens again. "Len -"

That. Is. _It._

Before she can fit another word in, I stand from my seat and move to an empty desk in the back of the classroom, as far away as possible from her.

To my luck, shortly after that, the teacher strolls in and begins the lesson, stopping her from following after me. Thank God.

I wish she'd just give up with bothering me – I don't get what she thinks she's gonna get out of it, like, she'd find a better outcome pursuing Kaito and nagging him all the time than me. I just don't trust her, 'cause she's so nosey and all, like, I know for certain whatever I tell her will be told to someone else, and I don't want everyone knowing my business.

It's my business. I don't want others telling me how to run it.

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Late February, hell ascends in the form of a nightmare.

I don't remember much of the nightmare, so what I'm referring to as a nightmare isn't really what you guys think – but it still feels like a nightmare, except it wasn't because it was real.

Dad heard me screaming in the middle of the night from the other end of the hallway. I was on the floor, half in my room, half out, mainly because I was too busy lying in my own pile of vomit, couldn't make it past the doorway. The pain was unbearable, so unbearable, I don't even think it can compare to anything; every movement, every breath, felt like I was gonna die right then and there.

It just hit me like an oncoming train – no warning, no, nothing. I really thought it was gonna be all over. I really thought I'd never see another day.

He found me curled up, sobbing and gagging into last night's dinner, tried asking me questions, but I could hardly speak. He tried to move me, I screamed, so he decided against it, standing up straight. "I'll be back in a second, Len, alright? I'll be back," he told me, and somehow his voice was still calm, as smooth as silk; no sign of panic at all.

I wondered how he did it.

The last thing I remember from the nightmare was wanting to say _don't leave me, I'm dying_ , but Dad had turned his back and disappeared into darkness, just like the rest of the world.

Darkness, however, does not last that long. It comes and goes, along with the beeps, hand sanitiser.

The smell hangs like a haze around my head, the sounds pound right through me. Everything's so bright, I can't bear it, so I keep my eyes closed, return to the blackness.

...But why the heck would death smell like hand sanitiser?

I lost count how many times a while ago, but the sound goes away again. So does the smell. It's nice –

" _Len?_ " Dad's voice whispers, hushed, something warm touching my arm. "You awake, kid?"

– Then it comes back again.

I groan, going to turn away like _no, I don't wanna go to school_ , but the worst kind of pain tears through my stomach and all sense of drowsiness has disappeared into nothingness. I fall back into my previous position, opening one eye to confirm that yes, Dad's hovering over me.

"Ah, good, you're up," he says. "The doctors said the anaesthetic should start to wear off about now."

I'm about to question, _doctors? Anaesthetic?_ but my voice doesn't come out. It feels like I swallowed a bucket of razor blades and my throat has been torn out.

Dad notices my struggle to get my words out, and hands me a cup of water that's sitting on the table beside the bed. Behind him, there's a curtain hanging from a railing near the ceiling, and I can hear other voices coming from behind, distant and quiet.

I take the plastic cup warily.

"You certainly don't have a shortage of stomach acid," Dad comments awkwardly. "I'm not looking forward to scrubbing the walls of your room tonight."

The memories of last night flash back through my mind, in enough detail to make me wanna cringe – but there's still a big blank spot between _then_ and _now_.

Dad takes my empty cup from my hand and sets it aside. "Don't wanna talk much?"

"Can't remember," I mumble as an answer.

He raises his eyebrows. "Oh. Right. Well, they drugged you up pretty hard to keep you from screaming the apartment down, so I don't blame you." He chuckles to himself, which is weird; he never laughs.

"Why? Am I dying?"

Dad clears his throat. "Ah, no, no, of course not, Len. Your appendix was inflamed and you had to be rushed into the ER. No worries now, you're in the clear – they've taken it out."

An operation. And the whole time I was tripping balls.

"Cute," I muse aloud, and Dad gives me this strange look.

"I had to call your mother at five this morning to let her know you were getting your appendix removed," he continues, as if accusing me for the fact that my body started to flip out for reasons unknown, something completely beyond control. "Let me tell you, she wasn't very impressed."

I snort. "Yeah, well, I'm supposed to be the good child you can just ignore and have no problems with, right?"

Dad blinks. "What?"

"Nothing," I say quickly.

He gives me a _look_ , but dismisses my statement and keeps talking, "Anyway, she and Rin should be visiting you tonight. The doctors want to keep you here for a day or so, just to make sure you recover alright."

"Oh. Okay." I don't even care. If it means no school, it means no school. I wonder how many texts Kaito will send me, like, _where are you, man? Broooooo. Why you no reply to my messageeeees._

Dad stands with a sigh, wiping his hands down on his pants. "I've got to go home and clean up your mess, kid. You left me with no break. At least work gave me the day off."

I frown. "Sorry."

He ruffles my hair, the gesture catching me off-guard. "No need to apologise."

Then he ducks out of the compartment, dragging the curtains behind him, before I can say anything else.

I don't wanna think about what just happened – perhaps the most weird, awkward thing ever – so I close my eyes and try to forget about it as quick as possible. Slowly, the smell of hand sanitiser sticking to the inside of my nose, and the feeling of the stiff, worn mattress beneath me, turns into my second real life nightmare.

If there's anyone who enjoys this kind of company, this kind of place, they've gotta be insane.

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I'm still awake when Mum comes to see me. I expect to see the familiar, wide eyes of my sister following after her too, but she's alone, clutching her handbag with a grim expression on her face.

Then I realise it's been ten months since I last saw her. Ten _months_.

She perches on the edge of the mattress, eyes occupied, analysing her surroundings.

"Where's Rin?"

Mum flinches at the mention of her, though quickly covered up with the hasty brush of her short, honey-coloured hair. "Hmm?" Even though she still has those soft, blue eyes, the laugh lines on her cheeks, there's something different, something unfamiliar – she almost feels like a stranger.

Ten months feels like ten years.

I frown. "Dad said she'd be coming too."

"Oh, he did? Well, I never told him that," she responds indifferently, a tone that pretty much says, _and your dad is the biggest fuckwit to ever grace this planet_. She then reaches down into her handbag, handing me an envelop. "Rin wanted me to give this to you. She was going to try and come, but something came up last minute."

I take it, but I don't open it. I don't wanna open it. It'll probably be one of those cards again – the 'Get Well Soon!' cards, but like the birthday card; ' _love from Rin, but really signed by Mum_ '.

"Really?" I mumble. "More like she just wanted to avoid me."

It's Mum's turn to frown, and it exaggerates the lines in her face, making her look older, weary. Maybe it's just the lighting here, which seems to sap the life out of everything ever, though. "Now, now, Len, no need to be rude. Your sister was quite concerned when she heard you were in hospital, and very upset that she couldn't come and see you."

I scan the unblemished surface of the envelope. It isn't addressed to anyone in particular. "Let me guess – it's musical practice?"

Suddenly, the woman looks nervous, tugs at the scarf she has wrapped tight around her neck, jaw clenching. " _How_... how did you know about that?" she asks.

I glance up at her. "Was I not supposed to?"

Mum presses her lips together, taking a breath. Then she changes the subject, fidgeting with her clothes – she used to do this when she and Dad argued. "Uh… um, how are you feeling?"

"Like I got hit by a truck," I respond bluntly. I love how I ask questions, but people never answer them. "Actually, I would prefer to get hit by a truck."

" _Len…_ " Mum murmurs, as if a warning.

Acting oblivious, I ask, "What?"

"Don't say things like that," she chastises. Her eyebrows meet in the middle of her forehead, and I can just imagine her thinking, _I didn't ask for my other child to be so sassy. He's supposed to stay quiet_.

I hate how she just disappeared – she disappeared and never bothered doing anything about it. And she's still trying to run my life, even when she's not in it. It's goddamn annoying.

"Well, I'm gonna say that stuff anyway," I grumble back. "It's not like you're ever really around to stop me from doing it."

Mum doesn't take my criticism lightly, cheeks flaring a humiliated scarlet. "You're grumpy, aren't you? Maybe I should let you sleep."

"Oh, yeah. Do that. My bad mood is definitely a result from my lack of sleep."

She bristles at my remark and stands from the bed, picking up her handbag to sling over her shoulder. "I'll let you rest, and we can talk when you're not in the mood to be rude, Len," she snaps.

Before she leaves, though, she hesitates, like there's something else she needs to say. But she doesn't. She turns and leaves.

The word _goodbye_ is still stuck in my mouth five minutes later. I'm expecting her to come back, and I'm waiting, and waiting, and waiting – but she doesn't.

I place the envelope aside and rub my eyes furiously.

Why is it that adults can never place the blame on themselves? I always gotta take the blame for it, gotta take the blame for the fact that my parents don't love each other and my sister doesn't want anything to do with me.

Yeah. It's just – always, _always_ – my fault.


	4. Chapter 4

On my first day back at work after missing a number of shifts to recover from my face-off with death, Meiko throws a mini 'Welcome Back Leg' party, despite Luka's protests (although, I hadn't been away _that_ long).

The reason it's 'Leg' instead of 'Len' is because she wrote it in English, and her English is fucking shit, and so she ended up somehow writing 'Leg' rather than 'Len'. I can't stop laughing about it when I think of it though, and now everyone is calling me Leg to the point that Meiko has written 'Leg' on my name badge.

"How was your visit to hospital hell?" the brunette questions, once the initial, dramatic _welcome back_ 's, suffocating hugs and attempted kisses have ended.

I snort at _hospital hell._ "Like a dream," I answer, "where I was falling. And I kept falling. _And_ falling -" I pause. "Actually, it was a nightmare. I hope I die before I have to go back there."

She chuckles. "Seems like you had a lot of fun. I'm glad that the removal of your useless, life-ruining organ didn't take your sarcasm along with it."

"Oh, my mum would beg to differ," I mumble, fixing up the mess of stock on the shelves. It looks like some random kid came along and had a tantrum, throwing things across the shelves. Some of the products are wet or sticky – I don't even want to start considering the reasons why.

"Still upset with the family, huh?"

"Like an ever-raging fire," I exhale.

Meiko's lips twitch. "Perhaps you should tell them that you're upset?"

I give her a strange look. "No one would bat an eyelid even if I was hanging from the ceiling, Meiko."

"That's not a very pleasant thing to say," she remarks.

"Well, _duh_."

A pair of hands slam themselves down onto Meiko and I's shoulders, making us both jump on the spot. Luka's head leans in between ours, and with her presence comes a strong odour of fish.

– So _she's_ the one who has been leaving half-empty tuna cans in the bins everyday. I really freaking hate it when the tuna juice runs down my legs, you know. It's already hard enough trying to empty one bin into the other without spilling coffee and rotten food everywhere.

" _Stop chatting on the job, you two_ ," she hisses, in a voice as low and menacing as that one time Dad got angry at Rin and I for drawing on the walls. Then she slinks off without another word, all the while shooting the hairy eyeball in our direction.

I shudder and Meiko snickers behind her hand, before patting me on the back hastily. "Maybe you should get a girlfriend."

"Oh, yes, with the nonexistent mile-long line of girls pining for me, I will definitely not fall short of finding myself a girlfriend," I jest.

She tilts her head, now looking a little more serious. "You know, Len, a lot of people are good at hiding their feelings."

I know she doesn't mean it in the way I take it, but still, it hits home closer than I want it.

_A lot of people are good at hiding their feelings_. Yeah, well, I don't want to think of that. I don't want to think about it – 'cause it makes me think about Rin, and I really don't wanna think about Rin. I just don't wanna remember anything at all.

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The doctor took out the stitches and that the other day, said I should be good now. The scar still looks pretty gross, though; I don't like looking at it, makes me wanna be sick. Kaito said the same thing after I showed him yesterday, since he begged me to, and even though I agreed with his reaction, it was still kind of like, _yeah, thanks, Kaito (you're a dick)_.

But I still look at it in the mirror all the time anyway, just 'cause. I don't know why. I feel like I'm a soldier showing off his battle wound, as stupid as the analogy sounds.

I decide to sort through the pile of crap that has accumulated over the past few weeks on my desk, procrastinating having to study for an English test tomorrow – though I don't like cleaning that much, either. But, I guess if it means not doing study, then so be it, you know? I find Rin's envelope slash 'get well' card under some of the crap, still unopened. I completely forgot about it – I was so buggered from hospital and nearly dying that I just dropped it here, slept for a few days, then it was history.

I suppose I should open it. Probably. Though I already know what to expect, 'cause what else would she give me?

Yeah, exactly. Nothing special.

Except the contents of the envelope are not a card, but a piece of neatly folded paper from one of those cutesy notebooks Rin has a hoard of; her well-practiced handwriting gracing the entire page. Two squares of cardboard slip out from beneath the folds; they look a sort of like business cards.

_Well, then_ , I muse to myself, wondering why she'd give wanna give me some business cards. But, whatever, I guess. I turn my focus back to smoothing out the creases in the letter, deciding I'll pick them up from the floor later. I wanna know what she has to say, first.

It starts with the usual, 'Hey, Len'. I can almost imagine her saying it.

_Sorry I haven't made the effort to keep in touch with you. I'm not doing it on purpose, I promise. I'm just really, really busy. Aunt Lily told me you were pretty distraught over some things I'd apparently done, and I'm really, really sorry about that – they weren't intentional. I didn't think it would bother you, because I thought you'd be pretty busy with settling into your new school and getting to know people._

Right – _right_. I almost laugh at her excuse, instead it comes out in an exhale – not frustrated, just amused. _Sure, you'd be busy with that sort of stuff, Rin,_ I think, _but you know what kind of person I am._

– _Or, well, I thought you did, but you probably don't._

Her next paragraph is predictable:

_My busyness is due to getting one of the main roles in school's musical this year. It's called_ Wicked. _Have you heard of it? (Probably not, because you're not a music junkie like me.)_

Musicals kind of make me want to individually pluck each and every hair from my body. So, yeah. I dunno what that is.

_Anyway, you probably never heard of it because I was trying really hard to keep it a secret from you –_ _not in a bad way. You'd know how excited I would've been when I heard the news_ – _I almost told you when you called on our birthday, but I already decided because it's so exciting, I'd surprise you instead by sending you and Dad the tickets out of the blue._

Oh.

_Then you ended up in hospital, so I thought it was a good idea to give you them when I went to visit you to cheer you up. Uh, well, I guess it didn't really go according to plan, so I got Mum to give them to you._

Oh.

_Oh._

I glance down at the two paper squares resting on top of my toes. Flipping one over onto its printed side with my foot, my guess is confirmed.

_The show's going to be in the middle of March, so, if you can make it, it'd be really great. You should tell me if you can, so we can hang out afterwards._

There's a little hard ball in the pit of my stomach, sort of like regret, or even guilt, just growing, growing, growing. I feel kinda dumb, now – you know, I've been making so many stupid assumptions and being so bratty about it, I've just been jumping to conclusions instead of thinking straight.

But, I just get so worried and all – I just... really care about Rin, I really care about our relationship. Mum and Dad's divorce just makes me feel like I have to scramble to piece us back together, 'cause we're just shards of broken glass in the middle of it all. And so when she – when I just become so aware of our _distance_ , how hard it is to put us back together, make us whole again – I just freak out like an idiot.

_Sorry I've been such a sucky sister. I hope I hear back from you soon, Len._

Her words stab into my chest and leave a gaping hole.

"No, no," I mumble aloud, knowing Dad isn't around to hear me. "I'm the sucky one. I'm so, so, _so_ sucky, and I…"

I take a breath. I should reply to that long overdue email I guess, the one I ignored because I was just being stupid and all – try to patch up the hole, deflate the ball, and vent about my frustrations and misunderstandings. She'd understand, right? _Right?_

All I have to do is seal it with an apology, an explanation, the truth.

_I guess I'm just not handling Mum and Dad's divorce as well as I thought I was._

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"So I heard you've been given tickets to see that musical your sister is in," Kaito begins, bringing his arm down between Miku and I to separate us, allowing him to squeeze in.

I look at Miku, and she smiles at me, and I regret ever telling her what happened yesterday afternoon. "Oh, yeah," I say dismissively, shuffling over to let Kaito in. "Mum gave me some tickets when she visited me in hospital the other week. Turns out, it was supposed to be a secret… but I kind of whined to someone, and that ruined it."

Miku clicks her tongue condescendingly. "Typical."

Kaito shakes his head. "Don't be a bitch, Miku, the boy's dealing with a lot of _emotional stress_. Isn't that right, Len?" He wiggles his eyebrows at me.

"Right," she utters, unconvinced. She folds her arms over her chest, fixing her gaze back onto me. "Are you going to go, Len?" She asks this like I wouldn't.

– But _of course_ I would. Even if I got hit by a train the night of the musical, I'd wriggle my half-dead, crippled body all the way to the theatre just to see her. I'd watch any musical – even if I'd rather put staples into my arms – just as long as it has Rin starring in it. I wouldn't miss seeing her perform for the world. I could go on and on about her breathtaking voice, flawless talent, and whatever; she's worth sitting through any shitty old show, because she _makes_ it. Even if she's a minor character – the girl still makes the thing her own.

I press my lips together. "Well, yeah. Why wouldn't I go?"

The tealette shrugs, doesn't answer, and I raise an eyebrow questioningly. "I think we should buy tickets and go see it as well, Kaito."

A low whine emits from the boy and he screws his face up at the proposal, a bit like a pooping child. "Miku," he addresses firmly. "Are you fuckin' crazy? You know how much a stingy, lazy fuck I am. I'm not paying money to watch some soppy musical." He then glances at me. "Is it romance?"

"I dunno. I've never heard of it before; it must be foreign, or something. I sure hope not, though."

"Why's that, Len?" Miku asks.

I shrug. "It's just weird. I'd feel uncomfortable seeing Rin do that kind of stuff, that's all. I still see her as a kid, you know, cute and innocent, unexposed to the great, big, evil world. I don't really like thinking about her, well, being involved in that… _ugh_ , I, uh… um, you get me?"

Miku reaches out, placing a slender hand over my hands, clenched into fists. She gazes up into my eyes, looking somewhat sympathetic. "I'm really sorry to break the news to you, Len, but by the time we're sixteen, a lot of us girls have thought, or are thinking of, the ' _ugh_ ' – probably a large majority have even done it, too."

Before I can even form a reply, Kaito's big head interrupts the moment, hushing her with his finger. "Miku, don't break the boy's heart. Let him dream."

She screws her face in disgust, removing her hands from mine to slap his finger away. "Kaito. Shut up," she snaps, wiping her mouth on her sleeve like his touch was poison. Kaito falls silent with a goofy grin, and she flicks a twintail over her shoulder. "Anyway, we're _going_ to go to the musical, because we're the bestest friends Len's ever had, and we want to support his sister."

I'm about question the 'bestest friends' remark, but before I can, she adds, "You said your dad was invited too, right?"

"Oh, yeah." I clear my throat. "That's if he actually goes. He'll probably make up some shitty excuse last minute though, like, _I've got work_."

"Well, there you go," Miku says to Kaito. "If his dad doesn't end up going, you can suck up to Len and scab his dad's ticket off him."

He sighs, as if disappointed in her. "Now, Miku, that's just playing dirty."

"Playing _dirty?_ I'll give you playing dirty, you piece of shit."

"Fight me, Miku," Kaito deadpans.

She smirks at him, almost maniacally, cracking her knuckles. "Fight you? Well, I don't get my nails done for _nothing_."

I hardly bat an eyelid, and all of a sudden, they're having a punch-up out the front of the school. Some students glance at them warily, but I think everyone knows by now not to get involved in their squabbles (or… just can't be bothered). The teachers don't even seem to care about it.

– On second thought, maybe Rin meeting these two could potentially be dangerous. She'd probably spend a minute with them, before running away with her tail between her legs. She'll probably think I'm crazy for befriending the duo.

I still don't know how it came to be: on my first day, I turned away to put my books down on my desk, and all of a sudden Kaito was breathing down my neck and inviting me on ' _bromantic dates_ '. Miku sort of came as part of the package.

"Let's buy matching shirts to wear to the musical, too."

"Miku, I'd prefer to kick my own ass and set myself on fire than wear matching clothes with you – right, Len?"

I blink. They'd already finished fighting, and now are watching me intently. "What?"

Kaito jerks an eyebrow, wiping at a light graze on his cheek. "Spacing out again, man?"

Though I'm not really apologetic, I still say out of habit, "Sorry."

Miku leans forward, resting her chin on her hand. She looks less dishevelled than Kaito – minus the few loose strands that'd been pulled from her pigtails. "What's bothering you, Len?" she questions, assuming my distance be for a deep, meaningful reason.

Honestly, it isn't. "Uh, I dunno. I was just thinking, you guys will probably have to tone it down if you wanna come along. I mean, I don't think my mum would appreciate me bringing along two loud warriors who'd wanna have a showdown mid-musical."

She throws her head back and laughs obnoxiously, as if finding the idea the most absurd thing on the planet. I frown. "Oh, Len," she says, after settling down from her chuckle. "Don't you worry. I'll have this boofhead on a leash the whole time. You won't even notice we're there."

Right. _Right._ But the thing is, I'm worried about you _both_ , Miku.

The lunch bell signals, cutting me short, so I don't bother answering. The tealette flits off busily before asking anything else, with Kaito following after her wanting to pick another fight about something trivial.

I look down at my shoes as I walk up the stairs to the next class, can't help but think, _what am I gonna do with myself?_

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When I come home from school I see Rin has responded to my email – a lot faster than I thought she would.

_I honestly thought you weren't going to reply, lol. I was beginning to think I made you hate me._

Rin, I'm sure you know for a fact that if I hated you, hell would be freezing over. _Everyone_ knows that. I'm just being a massive asshole to you when I shouldn't be. I have no reason to be. I'm just being a bitter, selfish brat.

I'm sorry.

_I'm glad that you'll be coming, though! I can't wait for you to see it. I sort of wish you could be in it, too…_

– _Hell_ no. If there's anything, anything at all that I've learnt in these 16 miserable years of life, I know for a fact that heaven forbid I step foot on a stage. I can't sing for shit, can't dance for shit, can't act for shit – really, I would rather throw myself from the Eiffel Tower than perform in front of more than zero people. Rin was clearly blessed with all the social skills, whereas I'm the human egg who likes glow-in-the-dark dinosaur stickers and quiet rooms.

Her email explains about how they found out that Aunt Lily told me about the musical when she wasn't supposed to – I guess that makes sense, why she told me and why she didn't seem to pick up on my cluelessness.

_Telling you only made you feel worse, right? I agreed with Mum for next time to leave that stuff between us if we don't want hell to break loose._

Yeah, well, trusting Aunt Lily to remember to keep hush-hush about it is like praying for warm weather in the middle of winter. It's kind of not gonna happen. She really only cares about saving the planet and medical marijuana being legalised globally, let alone worry about something as trivial as that.

_Oh yeah_ , the email then says, _Mum did mention you were pretty… snarky when she visited you in hospital. I know you're finding it hard, Len, but it's not as if they don't feel guilty about what they decided to do. She told me it was for the best. I think there's more to it than what meets the eye, honestly. So we can't judge them for their choices, Len. Anyway, we can catch up more after the musical has finished – Golden Week is coming up, so… maybe we can stop feeling like we're a part of the divorce, then._

As always, it's the same old reply that everyone gives me. I know it's really stupid, but I was kinda hoping Rin felt the same as I did – but she doesn't. No one feels the same. No one seems to understand me. I don't know why I happen to be the only goddamn one feeling this way.

I hate it. I hate it, I hate it, I _hate_ it.

While typing up my response to Rin's email, I hear Dad come home. There's a shy tap on my door, and when I tell him to come in, he pokes his head into my room politely.

"Hey, Len," he greets. "What are you up to? Homework?"

I look at the laptop, as if checking myself. "Oh. Uh. No… I'm replying to an email from Rin."

His face softens and he enters the room, walking over to peer at the screen. "Oh. How is she? What's she said?"

"Nothing really," I mumble, shrugging, though I don't really want him standing over my shoulder watching me type. Just want to finish what I'm doing – I've already forgotten what I was gonna say next. "Well, she's good, I guess."

"I see."

Then I remember about the musical. "Oh, right – I forgot to tell you. Mum gave me tickets."

"Tickets?" Dad asks, raising an eyebrow, "Tickets for what?"

"Rin's in a musical," I explain, turning away to search my desk for the envelope. I find it under some textbooks and pull out the tickets to show him. "She's got one of the main roles, and she's wondering if you could come."

Dad blinks, letting the information sink in. "I had no clue about it," he tells me. "When is it?"

I glance down to read the date on the tickets. "Umm… March 15."

He hums to himself in thought. "Well, I'll see what I can do. I can't miss Rin's big debut, hey?" He grins, giving me a couple of rough pats on the shoulder.

I flinch from the sudden friendly gesture, but I don't think he notices. Or he chooses not to notice. "Yeah," I agree. "I think she would love it if you come, too."

Dad gives me a promising nod. "Of course." Then he, once again, exits my room awkwardly, leaving me with a blank mind and no idea what I was supposed to say in the next sentence. But I guess that's just a perfect metaphor for me.

I have a feeling Dad's most likely gonna come to the musical; he just has that fondness for Rin that he'd drop everything to do anything for her – like Mum, like them both – 'cause you know, she's special. So all I can really think about is the look that's gonna be on Kaito's face when he finds out he has to let the moths outta his wallet.

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"Whaaaaaaat? I have to _pay?_ "

"Yeah. Probably. Most likely."

Kaito huffs. "Can you make your dad just not go?"

"Oh my God, Kaito," Miku sighs, exasperated. "The ticket is only ￥2000. It's not like you're going to have to sell an organ to get there."

"Yeah I will," he whines. "2000? I could buy more than just a lunch with 2000. I'll have to starve for a day."

The girl scoffs, folding her arms over her chest. "Right. Maybe that'll be a good thing." Her eyes drop to his lower body.

" _Excuse_ you." He takes much offence towards her stab at him, holding up one finger, like, _listen here you lil shit_. "I do workouts. Daily. What do _you_ do? Ride around on your disco stick? That's just not good enough, Miku."

She narrows her eyes at Kaito, and if looks could kill, he'd be fried by now. "You better tread carefully, ice cream brain," she warns.

Kaito mouths _fight me_ , in which Miku ignores (for now). She instead turns to me and asks, "So, Len, are you busy this afternoon?"

"Umm… no. Why?"

Miku takes hold of Kaito and I's hands, looks dramatically into our eyes. "Listen up, boys," she begins gravely. "We're going shopping after school."

Abruptly, Kaito releases her hand and stands to leave. "But first, I must go kill myself," he announces.

Miku doesn't even hesitate, grabbing hold of his blouse swiftly and pulling him back down into his chair, as if she already expected him to do that. "You're not going anywhere," she tells him. Kaito frowns and opens his mouth, but she cuts him off to continue speaking. "Anyway, not only do I want to buy something to match with you guys because we are the All Mighty _M-Squad_ –"

"Hey, why _M-Squad_? Why not _K-Squad_?"

"– I swear to _God_ , Kaito, shut _up_." Miku takes a breath. " _Anyway_ ," she tries for a second time, "I thought we could all pitch in and buy a congratulations gift for Lennie's sister, since after all, this is a really big milestone for her."

_Lennie?_ Where the heck did that come from? Why is she even _calling_ me that? It sounds like some stupid nickname your relatives give to your Great Uncle, or something. As far as I'm concerned, I never gave Miku the permission to give me annoying pet names.

"I'm sorry, Miku," Kaito says dryly. "But if I already have to pay for my ticket, you can kindly forget about it."

"Kaito, don't try to tell me you're poor. Your parents are both big CEOs and I doubt they wouldn't already be giving you an allowance you could buy a car with. You just waste it all on stupid stuff like cigarettes and video games."

He smirks. "Bite me."

Miku reflects his expression – but it seems a lot more menacing on her. "I will if you don't behave."

"This is getting kinky," I point out.

Her head snaps to me and she holds up her hand. "Len, don't get stupid ideas."

I have to hold my tongue to stop myself from saying, _But it's clear you two have a thing for each other._ It's probably not the best idea to bring that up when she's in this mood.

"So are you up for it?" Miku then asks. "Len?" She raises her eyebrows at me.

I clear my throat. "Oh, yeah, whatever. Sounds cool."

"I'm not," Kaito contributes.

"It's two against one, Kaito – you lose." Miku doesn't even look at him. She sets down her palms on the table and stands, chair scraping loudly against the vinyl. "Alright. Straight after school. This afternoon. The courtyard. If one of you, or both, don't show – well, I'll let you see for yourself." I don't miss the dark look she gives us when she turns to leave the classroom.

I look at Kaito. He looks at me. "Bro, I wouldn't test her," he states.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi it me again
> 
> my next update... will/might be grenade, since that's long overdue. there's a reason why i havent updated that in so long... laughs nervously, wipes tears, sprays holy water over laptop. you guys aren't going to like this, but oh well, i weed out the weak who cant handle plot... falls into the pits of hell
> 
> i really want more stories to read like Relapse and born out of thorns. like stuff with Angst but they dont do shitty unrealistic angst where len is like "i want 2 die i am emo suicide boy bc i want my sister's booty on my peenie weenie" (laughing because im a hypocrite, and youll see why Sometime Soon). can people please write more, like everyone just write, drop your shopping bags and do the thing.
> 
> ty, a very bored author who wants better, less-cringe-y incest-themed rinlen stories. (im half-joking, so dont try 2 fite me about the latter statement.)

**Author's Note:**

> this is a re-print of my fic from ffnet  
> the first two chapters were written in 2013, and although theyve been revised, the style of writing will change (naturally) from chapter three onwards.  
> this is my first fanfiction on ao3, by the way. ive always been scared of here, but ive known of it for quite a whiiiile.  
> thanks for reading!  
>  **edit: revised 12.04.16**


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